


just off the key of reason

by majesdane



Category: Degrassi RPF
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2007-08-13
Updated: 2007-08-13
Packaged: 2017-11-08 01:54:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,146
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/437832
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/majesdane/pseuds/majesdane
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>
  <i>It just doesn't seem right, that's all.</i>
</p>
            </blockquote>





	just off the key of reason

Lauren barely talked to her, those first few times on set.

They had scenes together, sure, but that was it. Afterwards , she and Adamo and Stacey and pretty much everyone else hung out together, in Lauren's shared dressing room. But Deanna didn't join them, mostly because she was the outsider, and she knew it. So instead she hung out with Mike, and joked about how they were the rebels, in and out of character.

But it still stung a bit, not being part of the group.

It didn't really matter, she supposed, because she showed up to work maybe once every two weeks. It wasn't something she should worry about, she told herself. It's not like she expected to hang out with the others anyway. For God's sake, she was barely a recurring character, let alone a main character; of course Lauren would want to hang out with the people she'd pretty much known from day one.

Lauren probably doesn't even remember her anyway, even though Deanna was a recurring character in _I Was a Sixth Grade Alien_ when they were little. Of course, they barely knew each other then, so Deanna's not really all that surprised.

But it still hurts a bit, that Lauren doesn't remember her, because she remembers Lauren.

\- - - - -

By the end of season four, they've started hanging out pretty often. Not so often that Lauren invites Deanna over to her house on the weekend or calls her up for an inpromptu shopping spree like she does with Stacey. But Deanna sees her at work, if she's not busy being Alex, and when Alex can tolerate being around Paige, she hangs out in Lauren's dressing room. Deanna tells Lauren about school, and Lauren tells her about her outside acting jobs, and they get along fairly okay, even if they really don't know each other very well.

Mid-way through season five, Deanna becomes the person Lauren calls when she needs help memorizing lines or wants advice on how to do a scene. And so they start to hang out more on the weekends, but it's really okay, because Stacey's busy with school now too, so Deanna doesn't feel like she's replacing her. Lauren decides to start calling her 'Dee', which is okay with Deanna, although if anyone else called her that she'd punch them in the face.

Deanna's glad that they're growing closer, if only because Alex is growing closer to Paige.

\- - - - -

"Those things will kill you, you know."

Lauren looks up as Deanna saunters out the door of the studio and crosses her arms, leaning back against the wall with her. Lauren takes a slow drag of her cigarette and studies the ground, the smoke drifting up lazily into the mid-afternoon air.

"I'm not serious about it. The smoking, I mean," Lauren clarifies, a moment later. "It's just a bad habit I picked up from Cassie."

They're both silent for a bit, and Lauren shifts uncomfortably, as she flicks her cigarette to the ground, agitated, crushing it delicately beneath her pink and white Vans.

"You going back in?" Deanna asks, breaking the silence.

"Yeah," Lauren says, as Deanna tugs the door open for her.

"You never taste like smoke," Deanna remarks, as casually as if she was commenting on how nice the weather was. "When I kiss you, I mean. You always taste like peppermint."

Lauren takes a pack of Orbit gum from her pocket and flourishes it in front of the other girl. "The secret to my success," she says, and pops a piece in her mouth before tucking the rest away again.

Deanna flashes her an easy smile. "Of course," she says. Then, "I've got to go shoot a scene. See you later?"

The way she says it, with her voice low and smooth, she sounds more like Alex than Deanna, and Paige inside of Lauren feels a little rush at the prospect of seeing her again. Lauren, on the outside, merely nods, and turns, heading back to her dressing room.

\- - - - -

"You really need to be more social, Deanna," Stacey says, when they're sitting at lunch and she's showing off the pictures from a recent event.

"I am plenty social," Deanna argues, jabbing her fork down defiantly into her salad. "I'm just busy, that's all."

"Yes, of course," Lauren says, with a playful grin. "Let's not forget that Deanna is currently our resident scholar. While I'm barely managing to take one class as it is, she's out there earning a degree. Of course, Stacey's going to school in New York, but she still comes to everything."

"Well Stacey is a social butterfly - no offense," Deanna adds, glancing over apologetically at the redhead. "I just don't like going out a lot, that's all."

Lauren leans back in her chair. "Well, you should do it a bit more often, I think," she says, after a moment. "At least, come to some events with me once and a while. I'm sure people want to see me with my lover."

Stacey, in the middle of taking a sip of Diet Pepsi, chokes on her drink at the last part of Lauren's little soliloquy. Lauren laughs and winks at Deanna, who manages to return a weak smile.

"I'll see what I can do," she tells Lauren, later, once Stacey has left. "If it really means that much to you if I come."

Lauren shrugs. "It's not that important, Deanna. I was just kidding; I know you're busy."

Deanna looks down at the contents of her soda can. "Well, I don't know," she says, speaking more to the can than to Lauren. "Maybe I should come more often. Be more sociable."

"Deanna, really, it's cool," Lauren tells her, standing up and stretching. "I really don't mind if you don't like going."

Deanna takes a sip of her drink and says nothing, avoiding Lauren's eyes. A moment later the blond is gone, with a promise to see Deanna later at the read-through of the latest script. Deanna finishes her soda and slouches down in her chair, the cafeteria almost empty by now. She wants to leave, wants to go hang out with Lauren and the others. But Alex doesn't want to, because Alex is feeling very much anti-social right now, and so she doesn't.

Sometimes she wonders where she ends and Alex begins. And sometimes it scares her, how much influence Alex has over her now, and just how much she's starting to become Alex. And then sometimes she thinks that she likes things better this way, because she feels more confident now than ever, and Alex has made her that way.

But there are things that she doesn't like, and mainly it's how much in love Alex is with Paige, if only because she sometimes feels so awkward around Lauren. And it's stupid, because she doesn't have any feelings for Lauren and Lauren has no feelings for her, and she reminds herself of it all the time.

\- - - - -

She can still taste peppermint on her lips at night, when she's in bed at home.

It doesn't really bother her, but sometimes she wishes the taste wouldn't linger, because then her last thoughts before falling asleep every night wouldn't be of Lauren. It just doesn't seem right, that's all, and besides, she's quite sure that Lauren doesn't stay up half the night hoping that maybe the memories of their kisses will fade.

And she only wants said memories to fade because they're just _too_ prominent in her mind at night, especially when she flicks her tongue out and tastes peppermint; it scares her.

"How do you separate Paige from Lauren?" Deanna asks the blond, one night after shooting, when they're both changing out of costume.

"I don't," Lauren says, her back turned to Deanna, as she changes her shirt.

"You don't?" Deanna asks faintly, slightly distracted by how smooth Lauren's skin looks right now, and how nicely her hair trails down her back, light and gently curled. She swallows and turns away, feeling sick.

Lauren tugs down her shirt and turns around, pulling her hair up into a messy bun. "Well, not really," she clarifies. "I mean, Paige and I are already so much alike, that it's really not that big of a deal. See, that's the thing," she continues, picking her up jacket up off the floor.

"What? What's the thing?" Deanna asks, pulling on her own coat.

"It's just," Lauren says, struggling to put her thoughts into words. "Well, I feel Paige and I have pretty much always been the same person. I mean, I'm not _exactly_ like her, but I always feel like, if I wasn't like Paige, I wouldn't have been picked to play her." She glanced over at Deanna. "Does any of that make sense? I'm awful at explaining things."

"No, it's cool," Deanna says, quickly. Then, more slowly, "I mean, I get what you're saying. Thanks."

"Sure, Dee. No problem." Lauren gives her a small smile, and Deanna tries to swallow the lump forming in her throat.

\- - - - -

"Look, Lauren, there's something I need to tell you," Deanna says in a strained, so nervous she feels like she's going to throw up.

The blond is perched on her bed; Deanna's sitting at her desk. There's music playing in the background, but Deanna really can't seem to hear it right now, for her heart's beating double-time, and the blood is pounding in her ears.

"What is it, Dee?" Lauren asks, and Deanna tightens her grip on the textbook in her hand and desperately tries to convince herself to just not say anything. But her mouth is moving on its own accord, and she can't help herself.

"Sometimes, well, do you ever - I mean," she struggles; she won't be able to get this out right. Lauren watches her from the bed, confused. Deanna's mouth is dry; she swallows and tries again.

"Do you ever think about what we're doing? I mean really _think_ about it? Are you ever sometimes afraid that your reactions while acting are more your own than your characters?"

Lauren bites her lip prettily. "I don't think I know what you mean."

Deanna gets up and walks to the other side of the room, crossing her arms and staring out the window. She shouldn't have even brought this up; she should have exercised common sense for _once_ and have just not said anything at all. Because now she needs to explain things, and it won't be easy. And it isn't something she really wanted to do. But it's her own stupid fault.

"Deanna?" Lauren says softly, from the bed. "You okay?"

Deanna licks her lips and feels tears sting in her eyes. "No. No, I'm not, Lauren," she says, and she feels stupid saying it, because this whole thing feels so scripted and rehearsed, and it makes her sick. "I'm really not," she says softly, but she doesn't know who exactly she's speaking to now, Lauren or herself.

Lauren says nothing. Deanna hates her for it.

It seems Lauren can never shut up, but when Deanna really needs her to say something, just _anything_ to break this awkward silence, the blond stays quiet. And now Deanna feels like she's drowning, because she can't say what she needs to say, though Lauren should have figured it out by now, if she wasn't so daft all the time.

\- - - - -

"Why do you keep doing this to me?" Deanna asks, hurt, in Alex's voice.

Lauren bites her lips, uncertain, and then Paige speaks for her. It's always excuses from Paige, all the time; Alex can't deal with it any longer. So she snaps at Paige for being indecisive, though Deanna knows she really shouldn't, because Paige doesn't know how goddamn awful Alex is feeling right now.

And Deanna can't deny that there's just a small part of _her_ taking over, replacing Alex, when she starts to cry and brushes off Paige's attempt to comfort her. And the look on Lauren's face is just so hurt right now, that Deanna really wishes that Alex and Paige didn't have to fight all the damn time, because she can't stand to see Lauren like thus, even if it's really Paige who feels hurt, and it's really Alex who made her feel like this.

Lauren flashes her a small smile once the scene is over, as Phil calls her over to discuss another take of the show. Deanna ignores her, arms crossed, glaring at everyone who walks by.

A part of her wants to just give in and go talk to Paige anyway, but that's the stupid side of Alex that wants her to do it, the part of Alex that's desperately in love with the blond. It doesn't have anything to do with how soft Lauren's lips were, when Paige kissed Alex.

And it certainly has nothing to do with the fact that she can taste peppermint in her mouth.


End file.
